Football has come to the ancient city of Ankh-Morpork - not the old fashioned, grubby pushing and shoving, but the new, fast football with pointy hats for goalposts and balls that go gloing when you drop them. And now, the wizards of Unseen University must win a football match, without using magic.

Daft as a brush? At last Paul Gascoigne reveals everything you really wanted to know about football: the Waddle haircut and how to achieve it; how to do the two-step with Vinny Jones; and why Spurs can win the League. Gazza also offers handy hints on improving your skills in goal celebration, after-match interviews and Geordie for beginners and shares the truth behind the scandal of Kevin Keegan's missing boot ... This is truly a book of two halves....